I resent my parents. That's actually not quite right. It's not my parents themselves that I resent, it's the way I was raised. I come from a very religious family and was raised according to those beliefs. That's not necessarily a bad thing, there are many positives that came out of that, but there are also many negatives. Chief among them is an over-abundance of rules designed to keep us "different from the world". Again, rules in and of themselves are certainly not a bad thing, as hordes of undisciplined children can attest. My problem lies in the likely unintended consequences.
Growing up, I was never allowed to attend any dances. All throughout junior high and high school I didn't go to a single one, not even my grade 12 grad. At the time, whether this was explicitly stated or I just pieced it together on my own, I believed the main reason was the music. There was a multitude of songs and artists I wasn't allowed to listen to, most or all of which would be played at dances, so it tracked that I would be kept from dances to prevent exposure to said music. Turns out, as I discovered only fairly recently, apparently dancing is just "wrong" in general. Don't ask me why. Truth be told, at the time I didn't really care about missing most of these (though grad did sting). I wasn't that interested in them and didn't have anyone special to go with anyway (more on that later). In hindsight, however, it's beyond clear that I did miss out on something very important. It wasn't about the dance itself, but about the social experience the dance created. They're supposed to function as a training ground for social interactions you'll be required to participate in later in life. You learn how to mingle, striking up casual conversations with strangers (or, here, people outside your immediate circle), how to behave in that environment, and, far more important than it might sound, how to dance. It's important to do this so that you can work through all the awkwardness and discomfort now, so that later in life, when it actually counts, you can at least look competent and comfortable and not just be the awkward guy who looks miserable and can't even begin to fit in.
That social training ground leads right into the next step: bars and nightclubs. A place where the skills learned at the dance can be put into practice and refined. Again, learning casual conversation, how to pick up a desired partner, how to dance (again), even something as simple as how to order a drink. This was another point of contention. Bars were absolutely a "place I should not be" meaning that any night out needed to be either hidden or preceded by a long argument. As a result, I've probably gone less than a dozen times. As with the school dances, not going has caused me to miss not only the socializing that would occur there in general but, more importantly, the chance to gain the experience required to function in in similar social situations. When I have to go to functions for work or in my personal life, I struggle just to figure out the norms and expectations, with the added pressure of knowing that I'm so far below the level of experience and knowledge that is expected of me.
Even the most common social skills of entertaining at home or being a good guest cause problems. For reasons I'm not quite sure of, visiting was also strictly limited. I rarely was able to go friends houses (or really even hang out outside of school) and practically never allowed to have anyone over. This once again has left me miles behind what would be expected of me and has led to countless embarrassing situations. Norms and expectations I should have been exposed to years ago are still just now presenting themselves. This presents itself most frustratingly when I'm a guest at someone's home. Since I'm not only unaware of what is expected but also conscious of this fact, I spend most of the time cripplingly uncomfortable, often fighting the urge to bolt. Desperate to make a good impression, but convinced I'm failing miserably.
As you can imagine, none of this combined to create a terribly successful dating life. I don't think it was ever spelled out or that there was a specific incident that led me to this, perhaps it stemmed as a natural extension of the visitors problem, but I've spent most of my life with the belief that if I were ever to attempt a normal dating relationship it would cause no end of trouble at home. Maybe there was a degree of martyrdom involved as well, but I could see no scenario where dating someone didn't lead to huge problems. Though it's not something we've ever discussed, I assume (perhaps incorrectly) that my brother felt the same way, since he had no dating life until well after high school. Or maybe he just wasn't interested and this was all just me. Regardless, as a result I had a few scattered dates, which I made sure remained hidden, but nothing ever came of them and, of course, the longer this went on, the further behind I fell socially in this area as well.
By now, if you've managed to keep reading this far, you've probably decided that all I'm doing is complaining about how miserable my life is and trying to generate sympathy, or trying to make excuses for my own failings, or maybe just being whiny. None of these is the case. The entire purpose was simply to lay my thoughts out in a logical order so that I can work through those feelings of resentment for my parents and hopefully move on. I'm not sure how successful that's been just yet, but this is the longest I've spent thinking about the subject at one time and I do definitely understand my thoughts better now having typed them out. Only time will tell what comes of it.
Sleep well,
DTE
2 comments:
Respect is an undervalued characteristic when considering family relationships. It’s like we know that anything we say or do will be forgiven. Or maybe its that we’ve fought and screamed at our family and they never leave, therefore its safe to yell and scream some more. As adult children, its important to indivuate, decide “who am i?” and “what do I want to be?” I believe it is normal to question the past and how we were raised. To hate aspects of it, to like other aspects. To think about which parts we want to take into our independent life. This is good to do. Working through feelings of resentment and hurt is good too. But rather than throwing scathing remarks on the internet about it, either talk about it with the people involved…resolve the issue in your heart and move on…or keep your mouth shut. But don’t dis the family that is yours. Honor the good. Let go of the bad. Respect.
I have to say, I disagree with just about everything you said. Maybe I'm still just too close to the material, but after rereading the post in light of your comment, I find nothing disrespectful or scathing present. I presented facts about the way I was raised, without hyperbole. I discussed what I thought of the rules at the time they were being imposed, as well as what I believe, in hindsight, their has been. There are no personal attacks. There is no abusive language. There are no claims that the negative outcomes were intentional. There is nothing even remotely libelous.
Respect doesn't mean that you simply "keep your mouth shut" for fear of offending someone. In fact, I'd argue that that approach is itself disrespectful, as it assumes that the other party is not capable of having a reasoned discussion. As a child, respecting your parents meanings deferring to their decisions, but it does not mean you can't disagree with them. Those decisions can be argued, without attacking or yelling, so long as the final decision is followed, there is still respect. As an adult, disagreeing with those decisions and even ignoring them completely is still not disrespectful, as long as you take the time think about where those decisions are coming from, acknowledging that the other's opinion may be as valid as your own.
As you said, and about the only thing I agree with, it's important to work through these issues. As I have said many times in the past, and even implied at the top of this post, that's largely what this blog is about - a place where I can write through my issues, since writing helps me to figure out what I feel. The fact that it's posted here has no bearing on anything. It's posted because often there are others who stumble upon these posts who are going through something similar and being able to read someone else's experiences is helpful. Your comment, however well intentioned, comes off as someone who formed an opinion before beginning to read, and then tried to force the post to fit that opinion, no matter how far off it actually was.
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