I resent my parents. That's actually not quite right. It's not my parents themselves that I resent, it's the way I was raised. I come from a very religious family and was raised according to those beliefs. That's not necessarily a bad thing, there are many positives that came out of that, but there are also many negatives. Chief among them is an over-abundance of rules designed to keep us "different from the world". Again, rules in and of themselves are certainly not a bad thing, as hordes of undisciplined children can attest. My problem lies in the likely unintended consequences.
Growing up, I was never allowed to attend any dances. All throughout junior high and high school I didn't go to a single one, not even my grade 12 grad. At the time, whether this was explicitly stated or I just pieced it together on my own, I believed the main reason was the music. There was a multitude of songs and artists I wasn't allowed to listen to, most or all of which would be played at dances, so it tracked that I would be kept from dances to prevent exposure to said music. Turns out, as I discovered only fairly recently, apparently dancing is just "wrong" in general. Don't ask me why. Truth be told, at the time I didn't really care about missing most of these (though grad did sting). I wasn't that interested in them and didn't have anyone special to go with anyway (more on that later). In hindsight, however, it's beyond clear that I did miss out on something very important. It wasn't about the dance itself, but about the social experience the dance created. They're supposed to function as a training ground for social interactions you'll be required to participate in later in life. You learn how to mingle, striking up casual conversations with strangers (or, here, people outside your immediate circle), how to behave in that environment, and, far more important than it might sound, how to dance. It's important to do this so that you can work through all the awkwardness and discomfort now, so that later in life, when it actually counts, you can at least look competent and comfortable and not just be the awkward guy who looks miserable and can't even begin to fit in.
That social training ground leads right into the next step: bars and nightclubs. A place where the skills learned at the dance can be put into practice and refined. Again, learning casual conversation, how to pick up a desired partner, how to dance (again), even something as simple as how to order a drink. This was another point of contention. Bars were absolutely a "place I should not be" meaning that any night out needed to be either hidden or preceded by a long argument. As a result, I've probably gone less than a dozen times. As with the school dances, not going has caused me to miss not only the socializing that would occur there in general but, more importantly, the chance to gain the experience required to function in in similar social situations. When I have to go to functions for work or in my personal life, I struggle just to figure out the norms and expectations, with the added pressure of knowing that I'm so far below the level of experience and knowledge that is expected of me.
Even the most common social skills of entertaining at home or being a good guest cause problems. For reasons I'm not quite sure of, visiting was also strictly limited. I rarely was able to go friends houses (or really even hang out outside of school) and practically never allowed to have anyone over. This once again has left me miles behind what would be expected of me and has led to countless embarrassing situations. Norms and expectations I should have been exposed to years ago are still just now presenting themselves. This presents itself most frustratingly when I'm a guest at someone's home. Since I'm not only unaware of what is expected but also conscious of this fact, I spend most of the time cripplingly uncomfortable, often fighting the urge to bolt. Desperate to make a good impression, but convinced I'm failing miserably.
As you can imagine, none of this combined to create a terribly successful dating life. I don't think it was ever spelled out or that there was a specific incident that led me to this, perhaps it stemmed as a natural extension of the visitors problem, but I've spent most of my life with the belief that if I were ever to attempt a normal dating relationship it would cause no end of trouble at home. Maybe there was a degree of martyrdom involved as well, but I could see no scenario where dating someone didn't lead to huge problems. Though it's not something we've ever discussed, I assume (perhaps incorrectly) that my brother felt the same way, since he had no dating life until well after high school. Or maybe he just wasn't interested and this was all just me. Regardless, as a result I had a few scattered dates, which I made sure remained hidden, but nothing ever came of them and, of course, the longer this went on, the further behind I fell socially in this area as well.
By now, if you've managed to keep reading this far, you've probably decided that all I'm doing is complaining about how miserable my life is and trying to generate sympathy, or trying to make excuses for my own failings, or maybe just being whiny. None of these is the case. The entire purpose was simply to lay my thoughts out in a logical order so that I can work through those feelings of resentment for my parents and hopefully move on. I'm not sure how successful that's been just yet, but this is the longest I've spent thinking about the subject at one time and I do definitely understand my thoughts better now having typed them out. Only time will tell what comes of it.
Sleep well,
DTE
