Life is really all about perceptions. How you perceive others. How they perceive you. How you perceive how they perceive you. So much comes down to this really somewhat abstract concept. As such, learning to manage perception is something most people learn to do early in life, though certainly to varying degrees.
I started thinking about this topic because I was watching a TV show in which the main character, somewhat of a geek, goes into a trendy restaurant to try to track down a friend. As I watched, I thought to myself "Dude, I wouldn't have even tried to go in there" (yes, I called myself dude. Let's not get into that...). But then I stopped to analyze that response. Why wouldn't I go in? I think it comes back to a very junior high mind set. Part of me still felt like I wasn't "good enough" or "cool enough" to go in. Keep in mind this wasn't a bar, where you'd be evaluated and then either admitted or dismissed based on your perceived merits, but just a restaurant. The only barrier to my entering would be constructed in my own mind.
In junior high I was something of a geek, which I define as being a step above the nerds, those who are just into the wrong things, or a little too smart, or not exactly socially graceful, or all of the above. As a geek, there were definitely places in the school where you just didn't go, or people you just didn't hang out with. But this was something which I had considered myself to be largely past. Not just in the sense that I no longer consider myself to be a geek, but also in that, if asked, I wouldn't say that I let other peoples opinion affect my actions. But clearly that's not quite the case. Were I to actually go into that restaurant it's very unlikely that anything would happen. Most likely no one would even take notice. But it all comes back to how we perceive other's perceptions of us. Even though it'd probably be completely wrong, my first thought would be that suddenly the center of attention, with everyone noticing how much I don't belong. A good friend of mine recently pointed out that all humans tend to feel like their actions or presence drawn more attention then they actually do, especially when they're uncomfortable. She had a term for this phenomenon, but I don't remember what it was at the moment. But she's absolutely right. Just think about how much attention you really pay to the people around you. Certainly there are times when events or people draw you attention, but for the most part, we don't notice a lot. So this notion that there are places where someone "doesn't belong" really are just the final remnants of junior high hang-ups and something which must be overcome.
Of course, it is possible, and often advisable, to manage the way other people perceive you. This is something that everyone does, though most probably don't realize they're doing it. I know that, personally, I have several different versions of myself that I use at different times. Some of these versions contain elements that aren't even a part of what I consider to be my "true" self, while others merely emphasize certain elements while downplaying other. For example, I'd describe the personas I adopted as a swimming instructor/lifeguard and as an engineer to be equally close to my "true" self (though neither are really all that close) but they are quite different personas. My least accurate version is probably the one I use with my extended family, followed, unfortunately, by the one I use with my immediate family. After that there are the ones I use for acquaintances, then friends, and finally my closest friends. The last two versions are almost the same, but for my closest friends I truly hide nothing. Which means that less than a dozen people get to see absolutely, exactly who I am. I realize that this is probably more extreme than most people and it's not something that I'm exactly comfortable with, and it gets a little exhausting acting almost all the time, but that's something I'm working on too - reducing the number of personas.
Some of the things we hide are understandable, as they could lead people to perceive us incorrectly. However some that I hide aren't necessarily bad things, they just produce undesirable results. For example, I rarely divulge the fact that I'm one point shy of having a "genius" level IQ or that I have a "near photographic" memory (that's right, according to the official tests I fall just short of the mark for being truly special in both categories). Neither of these things are bad. But I never answered questions in class and don't go out of my way to share my knowledge because I know how it would affect the way I'm perceived, and that's not a perception I'm comfortable with. I'm far more comfortable with the slackers and the relaxed crowd than with the brainy set. Similarly, I frequently deliberately hide my memory. I can usually recall, word for word, any conversation I've had in the last month or more, but I'll often pretend to forget details or even entire conversations, as I've found that it makes people uncomfortable to talk to me once they've decided that they're talking to a human tape recorder. Even the fact that I'm color blind (color deficient), while not something I actively hide, isn't something I frequently bring up. It's not to avoid playing the inevitable "what color is this?" game but because I don't particularly relish the sympathy or being treated like I have some huge handicap. And, yes, I realize that I've just revealed three things that I normally keep hidden, to varying degrees, in a very public forum. But you and I both know, dear imaginary reader, that no one actually reads these things. And anyone who does stumble onto this will likely either be a complete stranger or a member of my closest friends, so it doesn't really matter. After all, this is really just a whisper into the abyss.
Regardless of whether you feel that presenting different versions of yourself is honest, it's something we all do, and I think that realizing that fact is the first step towards being able to overcome any other hang ups you may have over the way you are perceived and will increase the accuracy in the way you perceive others.
So that's it for today, but before I sign off, I'm going to add a new feature to the blog, mostly for my own amusement - a song list. At some point in each post from now on, or until I get bored with it, I'll list some of my favorite songs of the moment, as well as what I listened to while I wrote the post, since I always require music while writing. So for the inaugural list:
Songs of the moment:
Bitter:Sweet - Dirty Laundry
Rancid - Fall Back Down
Rancid - Time Bomb
The Trews - Fleeting Trust
Music as I wrote:
Barenaked Ladies - Disc One: All Their Greatest Hits 1991-2001
Sleep well,
DTE
