This post has taken me an inordinately long time to write. I've been piecing it together, bit by bit, over the course of the last several weeks. As such, it has devolved into something of a stream of consciousness ramble. It hits all the points I intended, just not necessarily in the order which would make for the best reading. But, hey, I figure if you're willing to subject yourself to this blog at all, then you'll have enough patience to make it through this post.
Why has this taken so long to write? I don't really know. Maybe it's just the intensely personal nature of the subject matter, but I can't seem to write on the topic for very long before getting stuck or distracted. It's definitely not something I've ever talked about before, so maybe that's part of it too. Whereas with my other posts I was merely laying out thoughts, feelings, and opinions which I was already well acquainted with, this time I'm expelling those thoughts while I'm having them. I haven't yet completely thought through any of these opinions or lines of argument, and so have to work through them in real time, as I write, making connections and drawing conclusions as I go. It's kind of exciting to write this way, but it's definitely more tiring, so that may be what has led to the piecework approach I've had to adopt.
Having slogged through that preamble, you must now be wondering just what it is that I had such a hard time writing about. The title, though apt, likely didn't clear anything up for you. It's about girls. More specifically, I'm trying to connect a few long held desires (and no, I'm not diving into the sexual at this time)and do a little psychoanalysis on myself to figure out where they came from and why I have them.
What desires? Well, first, a sister. I have always wanted an older sister. I don't know where this came from, just that the first time I remember thinking about it I was probably around 9 or 10 years old. None of my friends at the time had older sisters, so it wasn't an emulation thing, and I doubt it was a rebelling, wishing I was different thing. I have one female cousin who's a year older than me, but we rarely saw each other. I didn't (don't) want a sister just a couple years older but a good five or more years older. I've never bothered to think through how I would change my family to accommodate her, i.e. if I would become a middle child or the youngest. The trials of the middle child are well documented. It's a fairly widely known fact that my brother and I are not exactly what you'd call close. If I were to be completely honest, I'd have to admit that my brother never appeared in any of my fantasies about an older sister (yes, I know fantasies again has a sexual undercurrent but, again, ignore it and treat this completely innocently). Maybe this evolved as a way of replacing my brother. After all, an older sister is the polar opposite of what I have - a younger brother. I can't quite accept that as the right explanation, though. The distance between myself and my brother didn't really start to form until I was around 14, years after the original appearance of this particular desire. It's possible that the rift had already begun subconsciously a few years earlier, but I don't really buy that. It's probably important to explain exactly how I saw my relationship with this older sister. Basically, she would be my best friend. Someone I could always hang out with, who would always be there for me, who I could talk to about anything. She would be old enough that she would have all the answers, but young enough that I could always hang out with her, whether it was with her friends, my friends, or just the two of us. I think the lines about having all the answers and being able to talk about is an important point. I have always been the "fixer". Going all the way back to elementary, probably age 7 or 8, I've always been the one who fixes everything. From mediating arguments to fixing electronics to manipulating people and circumstances to prevent and problems before they occur to always having all the answers to everything. I often read articles or web pages about topics I'm not at all interested in simply because someone I know is interested in it and might ask me something about it. It's not something I explicitly mind doing, but it can be taxing. I think that's why I imagined this sister with all the answers. When I have a problem of my own, I often find that there is no one I can go to to help me with it. This would solve that problem. I would no longer be the last line of defence, there would be someone backing me up.
I think the desire for an older sister transferred and morphed into second desire I'll talk about - a close female friend. Notice I didn't say girlfriend (though that would be nice too). I think that I combined the relationships I saw on TV with my big sister fantasy to come up with this one. It is very common on TV or in movies to see a boy and a girl who have been friends since they were little. They are extremely close, having a bond that other people simply can't touch. It's not romantic, but something unique, and it's what I've wanted. It's completely different than a friendship between two guys. It's not that I don't have any female friends, I do. And I work almost exclusively with women and consider many of them to be friends as well. I just don't have "that" kind of friend.
Just to confuse things, though, I have to make another point, again drawing from the world of television. Whenever there is a situation where the guy wants the hot girl he can't have but the guy's girl friend (note the space) wants him, I always root for the friend. Chloe versus Lana on Smallville, Elliot versus anyone on Scrubs, Lily on Radio Free Roscoe. Unfortunately for me, however, the producers rarely decide to put the guy with the friend, giving him, instead, the hot girl. In the rare cases where he does go out with the friend, they typically decide it won't work and they should remain just friends. This bias towards the friends hooking up seems to fly in the face of my previous contention that I do not see the female friend is a sexual way. But I argue that that is still the case. I think that this may be more a case of me rooting for the underdog, the overlooked but loyal friend, to whom I can easily relate. Maybe I'm just looking to TV to show me that it can turn out well for the friend, so I can get some hope for myself. Then again, I have had to qualify quite a few statements in this post to attempt to remove their sexual connotations, so maybe subconsciously it really is all about the sex. Kinda presents that first desire for an older sister in a new and disturbing light. But I really don't think that's the case.
Well, I think that's finally it. I don't think I have any more to add at this point. I'm not sure I completely figured out everything I wrote about, but at least it's a start. If you made it all the way to this point without skipping over any parts, I congratulate you. I'm sure it wasn't easy, hopefully it made some sense. If you did read it all, though I don't usually do this, I ask that you please leave a comment of some sort with your thoughts or reactions to what I've written. I poured a fair amount of myself into this, and I want to know what others think. Thanks.
Sleep well,
DTE
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